I'll Fight For You, Anak (Personal)

“Though I walk through

the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;

thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

– Psalm 23:4

There for her

As I have already mentioned, I was someplace else when I received the news from my daughter. My heart really sank. Not because she won’t be receiving a medal, but because I could not be there for her.

I imagined her not being able control her emotion, while riding the jeepney and the tricycle, and arriving home in tears (which really happened). How I longed to be there at our door, waiting, and embracing her when she arrives. I wish to offer comforting words, tell her that it’s ok, no problem, no need to worry, that it will come to pass, that there are other chances. I sighed and just texted my wife, “Ikaw na muna ang bahala…” I really felt heavy. I couldn’t wait to see her again the following morning.

I wonder how heavier the longing would be for mothers and fathers who work abroad, when their children have problems and they could not be there for them. I thought of my friend Ronald in Dubai.

Sleepness Nights

Many nights, during the 12-day ordeal, I had a hard time sleeping. My mind is occupied with thoughts on how my daughter was hurt by the incident, on how I feel so alone with this fight, on how some people can lie to my face, on how unfair the selection was, on how I can win this battle. I lay awake for hours. I often plead from the Lord that He grant me sleep because the thoughts just keep on coming.

“I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
- Psalm 77:1-4

Then I would pray, meditate on His faithfulness to our family for all these years and reflect on his ability to turn things around. “Lord, you are able to do miracles. Help me to trust you in this situation, that what you have in mind is the best. May the outcome of this bring you glory. Let your will be done.”

“I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart mused and my spirit inquired: ‘Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?" Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High.’ I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God?”
- Psalm 77:5-13

After that, the Lord never fails to still my mind and lull me to sleep. Zzzz…

“He grants sleep to those he loves.” – Psalm 127:2

Glimpse of His love

My main motivation in making the appeal was that as a father, I believe I owe it to my child to fight for her right. I cannot stand seeing my child in despair. I need to do something. In doing so, I also get to introspect on my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I would pray,

“Father, in the same way that I am fighting for my daughter, you will also fight for me. You will give me victory over my enemies. Defend me, Lord. Help me win this battle.”

“Lord, I feel for my daughter. I know she’s hurting. I long to comfort her. I believe that as my father in heaven, You know that I am also hurting. As your dear son, You know what’s going on inside my heart. You can feel my pain. Defend me, Lord.”

As I always say, being a father to my kids gives me a glimpse on the kind of love the Father has for me. Ofcourse, I do fail at times. But God does not.

“As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him.” – Psalm 103:13

Sea of Forgetfulness

In trying to understand the situation, it came to a point that I started to point the blame on myself. I thought, “Could this be God’s discipline for my transgressions? Is God punishing my daughter because of the things I have done and have failed to do?” Oh, no!

But then I immediately combat the lie with God’s truth: “He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities (Psalm 103:10).” I clung to that promise. My sins have already been forgiven. The Lord blesses me and my family, inspite of our inquities.

I also remembered the teaching of my pastor that Sunday, quoting from a devotional book he read: But God has taken our sins and thrown them into the Sea of Forgetfulness -- and He's posted a sign that reads: "NO FISHING ALLOWED!"

I do not need to be haunted by my failures. I do not need to fish at the Sea of forgetfulness. No fishing is allowed there. The Lord has already forgotten.

Ruthie

I got so downcast at times because I really felt so alone with my fight. My wife was telling me to just let go. (But she was praying for me all along. She knew when I lay awake in the middle of the night. She was constantly behind me.) Some family members and friends were not as supportive as well. One even expressed that I should spare my child from further pain. It was as if I’m the one causing grief to my daughter, by pursuing her case before the school. I was beginning to doubt if I really am doing the right thing, if it is really worth it. I thought of giving-up.

One night, I asked Ruthie to accompany me at the neighbor’s sari-sari store. I opened up my thoughts with her. And then I asked, “Do you think I should continue?” She said “yes”, without offering any explanation or justification. Maybe she felt my sadness then. I thanked her for her answer and conveyed to her, “I will do the same thing if this has happened to you.” We were quiet after that, until we went back home from the store.

She might not have fully understood the situation but I was comforted by her.

King David

King David in the book of Samuel also became an encouragement to us. He mourned for a number of incidents in his life. He wept. But after a while, he rises up. I admire his character.

When his son with Bathsheba became ill, “David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground (2 Samuel 12:16).” But when he found out that his son is already dead, “(He) got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate (2 Samuel 12:20 ).“

Again, upon learning of his son Absalom’s death, “(He) was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: "O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you—O Absalom, my son, my son! (2 Samuel 18:33)." When David was rebuked by Joab because the army has been discouraged by his action, 2 Samuel 19:8 said, “The king got up and took his seat in the gateway.”

The fact that the Lord has provided us with tear ducts in our eyes means that we can cry. The Lord allows us to grieve. We need to release our emotions. But we need to get up after that. We need not dwell on our grief. And so my prayer then was, “Lord, thank you for allowing me to shed my tears. Help me and my family, especially my daughter, to rise up after this. We need your strength.”

Cut

I remembered the children’s story of Maria Celeste Coscolluela titled “Cut”. The story was about a girl whose beautiful hair was cut by her angry mother. She was comforted by Chona, the hairdresser.

“Chona took over and did her best to give me a semblance of a haircut. I burst into fresh tears of relief. But then I saw the mess of hair on the floor. I had lost so much already. How could she possibly save it?

I felt Chona’s hand, her large, gentle hands move over my head, move over my head with a soothing rhythm like a lullaby. By the time she was done I had calmed down enough to stop crying. A breeze blew and I felt it on my bare nape. I braced myself for the worst. However, before handing me the mirror, Chona bent and whispered something in my ear: ‘The good thing about hair is that you never lose it. It just grows back.’”

I mentioned the story to my daughter. They have also read it before. I told her that the cutting of hair symbolizes pain or a sense of loss to a person, just like what happened to her. But just like the hair that grows back, things will go back to normal. Things will be fine again, in due time.

Inspite of

“Ok.” This was the reaction of my daughter after I have texted to them the outcome of my meeting with the school director. I texted back, “Just that?” With all the time and effort I have poured in, with all the stress and headache I have endured, with all the tears and prayers I have made for her, that’s all I got? Just plain “Ok”? I was so disappointed. My wife texted back, “Lie, I appreciate all your efforts, all your tears. Salamat. Kahit di ito nasusuklian, patuloy lang tayong magmahal. Siguro nabigla lang si Grace, di makapaniwala.” I was comforted.

I’ll continue to love and care for my children, without expecting something in return, for that’s what the Bible teaches. I remembered our American pastor then who differentiated the kind of love that the world gives as compared to the love that the Lord offers, which we should all imitate. He said, “The world says, ‘I love you because…’. But the Lord’s love declares, ‘I love you inspite of…’”

I thought of how the Lord feels at times that I become ungrateful. I feel so sorry. But then, I could almost hear him say to me, “Son, I love you still, inspite of...”

Our Right

I often tell my kids and my wife that we do not have to fight for our every right. That at times, it is better to just brush things off , and let the Lord deal with those who seem to be unjust. In our everyday dealings, you cannot expect fairness at all times.

Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” That’s why we no longer claimed ownership on the mango tree in front of our house. Our neighbor said she munched a ripe mango once and threw its seed. She claimed that the seed she threw has taken root and has become a tree, the one standing now at a vacant lot fronting our houses. What a clever story! It was my father who planted it! I just tell my wife, “Pagpasensyahan na lang natin.”

But that time, I guess, it’s different. I can’t help but be determined to fight. It’s my daughter’s tender heart that they have bruised – the daughter that I have tenderly cared for and lovingly raised. Ibang usapan na ‘yun!

Still, I maintain my belief that you really do not have to fight for your every right. What do you think?